23 May

The other day I was leaving my job like I always do during the week (as I’m a working stiff).

Workin’ 9 to 5…

I drove up the ramp out of the garage and swiped my badge to get let out of the building.  As I made that motion, with the muscle memory of a motion you make 10 times a week for 3 years, I had a strange feeling, or lack of feeling, wash over me.

It was like déjà vu without déjà vu.  I have been thinking of it as sort of an out-of-body experience wrapped up in a moment of existential whateverness, but I don’t know what it really was.  All I know is it was disconcerting and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Also, do a Google image search for “existential crisis”—you’ll get some interesting results (LOLcats, a hentai-type picture, Pete and Pete pics, hipster Ariel meme, and beardy crazy Joaquin Phoenix).

Pass the ‘Tang

21 May

I was recently at a friend’s party. Coincidentally, one of her co-workers was a friend back from my days in education (as a student, but the way I said it makes me sound more professional). How to describe our relationship is interesting because there really isn’t one. We were friends, I guess. Every time we used to talk at school her body language was always very flirty, which would be great…if I wanted to hook up with her. Look, don’t get me wrong she’s a nice girl, but—to quote a book/movie I’ve never seen—I’m just not that into her.


And she’s also kinda stupid.

But seeing as we were at a party and I was a wee bit drunk, her a bit more so, I thought, “I’m in a drought, it would be so easy to just ask her out and get some poon!” I also discovered that I use the word “poon” in my head when I’m drunk. Luckily, calmer heads prevailed (pun intended, ladies (women love puns, guys)). I did not ask her out and I have remained sexless since then.

The End.

NAH, that’s not the end.

Apparently, she was very drunk and ended up having sex with some random dude at the party in a bathroom! So the way I see it, if I had asked her out, I would have had an insanely bruised ego when I found out the next day she was too drunk to remember me asking her out before she gave her poon-hole to some guy. CRISIS AVERTED!


Thank you fate for helping me avoid listening to Billie Holiday and crying into my pillow while eating ice cream!

Department of Motor Vehicles

16 May

I got a notice that, for the first time since I got my driver’s license at 17, I need to renew in person, not via snail mail.

At first, there was disbelief.

What?  Why can’t I renew by mail?  It hasn’t been THAT long, has it?  Why, yes… yes it has been.  That 2013 expiration date on my license has been this abstract, far away thing—that is now right here.

Then it was just the inconvenience that got to me.

I’ve got to make the appointment and they’ll never take me on time and I have to tell work that I’ll be out/late, blah blah blah.

Then I read the notice carefully and realized this was going to be one of those “Oh, shit, I’m actually getting older” moments.

I need to get a new photo and take a vision test (and likely update any other pertinent information).  They also list the current info so you can compare your stats.  Age?  Older, of course.  Vision?  Worse.  Height?  Same.  Weight?  I’m going to just crawl into a hole now, thankyouverymuch…

A Question About “Back to the Future”

14 May

So, I’m assuming that you all have seen Back to the Future. If you haven’t, there will be some spoilers (can they really be called spoilers if the movie came out 23 years ago?).

In 1955, George McFly (Marty’s father) is tormented by Biff Tannen.


In 1985, George McFly is tormented by Biff Tannen.


In alternate 1985, George McFly has been murdered by Biff Tannen.


In 2015, Marty Jr., (Marty’s son) is tormented by Griff Tannen (Biff Tannen’s grandson).


In 1885, Sheamus McFly, is intimidated by Buford “Mad Dog” Tannen (Biff’s Great Grandfather)


So the question is…

Who is Marty’s version of Biff? Does he just go around with no one to torment his daily life? Perhaps Biff’s son is already older than Marty. Maybe that Tannen tormented Marty’s older brother and sister.

Or maybe it was this guy:

What are you looking at, Butthead??

What are you looking at, Butthead??

Martha F’ing Stewart

9 May

So in an interview with Matt Lauer, Martha Stewart said that she tried to fill out her online dating profile on Match.com because she’s openly seeking a companion.  (Side note: please watch this great SNL video making fun of this fact, if only for Kate McKinnon, my new girl crush.)

Intercourse. It’s a good thing.

Within days, thousands of men, some more serious than others, have signed on to the website to try to date her.  This morning on Today, Martha met two of the guys screened from thousands who seemed pretty OK, actually.  Both were active, average-looking/handsome, philanthropic, career men with hobbies.

Say what you will about Martha Stewart (she’s bitchy, maniacal, anal-retentive, guilty of insider trading), she’s a very powerful businesswoman who has cultivated a life that she wants and is trying to make that life available to others (at participating store locations).

I respect that and the work she’s put into her empire.  I also think that everyone deserves to have a companion, so it’s nice that she’s getting back out there.

But I can’t help but also be angry (OK, angry may be a bit strong… miffed) that it’s coming this goddamn easily to her.  I don’t get thousands of inquiries!  I don’t get to have people screen and search for me so I can close my eyes and pick someone who likely won’t be too fucked up to have a few dates with!  I don’t have millions of dollars!  Yes, she worked her way up and deserves nice things, but damnit, does it have to be SO easy for her?!