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Pass the ‘Tang

21 May

I was recently at a friend’s party. Coincidentally, one of her co-workers was a friend back from my days in education (as a student, but the way I said it makes me sound more professional). How to describe our relationship is interesting because there really isn’t one. We were friends, I guess. Every time we used to talk at school her body language was always very flirty, which would be great…if I wanted to hook up with her. Look, don’t get me wrong she’s a nice girl, but—to quote a book/movie I’ve never seen—I’m just not that into her.

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And she’s also kinda stupid.

But seeing as we were at a party and I was a wee bit drunk, her a bit more so, I thought, “I’m in a drought, it would be so easy to just ask her out and get some poon!” I also discovered that I use the word “poon” in my head when I’m drunk. Luckily, calmer heads prevailed (pun intended, ladies (women love puns, guys)). I did not ask her out and I have remained sexless since then.

The End.

NAH, that’s not the end.

Apparently, she was very drunk and ended up having sex with some random dude at the party in a bathroom! So the way I see it, if I had asked her out, I would have had an insanely bruised ego when I found out the next day she was too drunk to remember me asking her out before she gave her poon-hole to some guy. CRISIS AVERTED!

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Thank you fate for helping me avoid listening to Billie Holiday and crying into my pillow while eating ice cream!

A Question About “Back to the Future”

14 May

So, I’m assuming that you all have seen Back to the Future. If you haven’t, there will be some spoilers (can they really be called spoilers if the movie came out 23 years ago?).

In 1955, George McFly (Marty’s father) is tormented by Biff Tannen.

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In 1985, George McFly is tormented by Biff Tannen.

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In alternate 1985, George McFly has been murdered by Biff Tannen.

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In 2015, Marty Jr., (Marty’s son) is tormented by Griff Tannen (Biff Tannen’s grandson).

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In 1885, Sheamus McFly, is intimidated by Buford “Mad Dog” Tannen (Biff’s Great Grandfather)

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So the question is…

Who is Marty’s version of Biff? Does he just go around with no one to torment his daily life? Perhaps Biff’s son is already older than Marty. Maybe that Tannen tormented Marty’s older brother and sister.

Or maybe it was this guy:

What are you looking at, Butthead??

What are you looking at, Butthead??

My 2012 (Tax) Year in Review!

16 Apr

So, it’s tax week! Hopefully most of you didn’t wait till the last second to file them, but really, better late than never!

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While reviewing my year in bank/credit statements and calendar events, I suddenly got very nostalgic. I didn’t realize how much of my life is tracked by my use of money and car.

January:

The beginning of 2012 is boring!

February:

Pasadena to film Happy Endings (the TV show not the massage parlor option (if it was the massage parlor option…eww, filming?)).

March:

Sell old car, buy new CAR!!!!

May:

The bachelor party! Not mine, but I planned one. Skeet shooting, large quantities of meat, and lots of alcohol. Thankfully, no purchases from “illicit establishments.” We were trying to keep it classy.

That was followed by purchasing a suit for the wedding. A nice charcoal. Which was great because I needed a new suit. I paid with a check to have it altered.

Best day of the year: Record radio commercial in Santa Monica, Audition in Miracle Mile, Philly Cheese Steak, Record cartoon at Nickelodeon.

June:

Then off to DC for the wedding. Purchases at the Smithsonian, a metro pass, Whole Foods, spy museum, National Art Gallery. I got to know the town a little better. The day of the wedding no purchases until I bought the groom’s grandfather a Makers Mark at the hotel bar.

Back home. I went on a date to see Cabin in the Woods. Great movie. The date was promising. I was excited to see how the next one would go.

July:

Off to Scottsdale, AZ. Not a purchase, but my friends and I spent much of the first night vacuuming bugs and killing scorpions. Gas, bars, karaoke bar. In Phoenix at Alice Cooperstown we ordered “The Big Unit” because it’s fun to say.

Get back home, go on a second “date.” I put date in quotes because she failed to mention at the beginning of the date that she had met someone. I deal with it well, if not kindly… Basically, I was an asshole. But I’m pretty sure I had just cause. 

Then Comic-Con! Hang out with nerds, friends, nerd-friends, see panels of shows I love, forget about the bad date, drink myself silly every night! Good trip!

August:

Get home, I go out on an OKCupid date. It goes well, really well. We go out again, and again, and again. L.A. County Fair. She meets my friends. More dates.

September:

This girl could be something!

Then she stops it. I delete our text history.

October:

Acting class! New friends, back to work! Expensive, but worth it!

Meet a friend of a friend at a birthday. Meet again. We go on Halloween Hay Ride. It goes well.

November:

My birthday! Drinks and late night pastrami! I have incredible friends!

Second date, she’s late, she’s high, she’s petty, mean, judgmental. Not of me, but of everyone else. But I ask her out again.

December:

She flakes on our third date.

She texts me a few days later. I text back. She doesn’t respond. She gets mad at me for not texting back and begins to text bomb me with angry messages. I send one text and end whatever the hell kind of “relationship” two dates is. I block her number.

Buy a bottle of Jack at CVS…for New Year’s! With people, not just me. That would be a sad way to end the year! Me drinking alone…

What this all means:

I guess I’ve learned that the bad memories are the most vivid and the good ones are a blur.

So, thank you 2012 for everything. The good and the bad. 

…And also for not killing us like the Mayans said.

Love Is a Smartphone App

28 Mar

A few weekends ago I went to a performance by a band that performs klezmer music in Yiddish and English—they describe themselves as “Yiddish cabaret punk” and it’s a disturbingly accurate description of their genre.  As a special guest there was a delightful Russian fellow who opened the show with a song with the line “love is a smartphone app.”  Everyone chuckled, because the rest of the song was pretty quaint and klezmery and this modern line popped up unexpectedly.  “There’s an app for that” may not be used in commercials anymore, but it’s certainly something I find myself saying, obnoxiously.  And when it comes to dating, of course, there’s an app for that.

But anything is better than video dating, right?

While I don’t use apps like Grindr or Crazy Blind Date because they are, oh, I dunno, creepy (and I watch a lot of Law &Order: SVU, I embrace the intersection of dating and modern technology.  As remarkably shitty as it can be for finding people interested in serious relationships (see previous and, let’s face it, future rants, I mean posts), technology has helped me immensely in dating.  “Hookup culture” crap exists and is perpetuated by dating via the interwebs (see this NYTimes article that sums it up for me), but let’s not throw out the baby with the bathwater.

Before online dating, and in the actual real world of 3D people, shy people were and are relegated to their shy corners where they were shy and alone.  But like I often lament, that fact is that men don’t know where I live, so they aren’t going to just find me.  And if I’m at a party or a bar, I’m most likely the one standing to the side with my drink, sweating, or saying something lame to a guy while sweating.  Enter the internet, where I can instantly use the wit and charm that would eventually come out once I got to know someone.

Minorities: We Are All-Seeing

19 Mar

Hey, white people!

How’s it going? I’m just hanging out with my other minority friends and we were just talking about you!

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No, no, nothing bad, we just all made some of the same observations! Its funny really.

We all know when you’re watching us! No, you’re not being too obvious, we’re just attuned to your eyeballs as they burn holes into our skin.

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They’re up to something…

Like, Latinos they know that you’re looking at them when they are at an auto supply or hardware store and you’re just trying to figure out if its futile to ask them a question in English about a radiator hose or caulking. Meanwhile, they’re relieved that they have their passport on them because they’re worried you’re gonna report them to the INS even though they’re from Colorado.

What you see:

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They took er juuuubsss!!!!

Or Asians know that if they’re in an electronics store of any kind you may ask them for help or advice on what to buy or the quality of the product. Meanwhile, most Asian people will just buy whatever electronic part they need on NewEgg after spending hours on the forums weighing the pros and cons of said product. The guy in the store? He’s just browsing.

What you see:

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What the fuck is a DNS Server? Is that even a real thing?

You’d think that African Americans and Middle Eastern/Arab people have nothing in common, but they all know that you are watching them EVERYWHERE THEY GO! Why? Because you’re afraid they might start something and you need to know which way to run away from in case someone pulls a gat from his 90’s baggy jeans or someone rips opens their jacket and does that “li-li-li” sound. 

What you see:

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Yes, that’s NWA, the height of white people fear. Oh, and those are terrorists.

But in all honesty, if you have blacks and Arabs in the same place, most likely, they’re in finance. Not the illegal kind either, they’re in retirement planning or some boring shit like that.

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Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and Tanzanian President Jakaya Kikwete…next level shit.

P.S. I know India isn’t an Arab nation, but for the sake of comedic juxtaposition I took the liberty of using this picture.