Archive by Author

Exist-tension

23 May

The other day I was leaving my job like I always do during the week (as I’m a working stiff).

Workin’ 9 to 5…

I drove up the ramp out of the garage and swiped my badge to get let out of the building.  As I made that motion, with the muscle memory of a motion you make 10 times a week for 3 years, I had a strange feeling, or lack of feeling, wash over me.

It was like déjà vu without déjà vu.  I have been thinking of it as sort of an out-of-body experience wrapped up in a moment of existential whateverness, but I don’t know what it really was.  All I know is it was disconcerting and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Also, do a Google image search for “existential crisis”—you’ll get some interesting results (LOLcats, a hentai-type picture, Pete and Pete pics, hipster Ariel meme, and beardy crazy Joaquin Phoenix).

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Department of Motor Vehicles

16 May

I got a notice that, for the first time since I got my driver’s license at 17, I need to renew in person, not via snail mail.

At first, there was disbelief.

What?  Why can’t I renew by mail?  It hasn’t been THAT long, has it?  Why, yes… yes it has been.  That 2013 expiration date on my license has been this abstract, far away thing—that is now right here.

Then it was just the inconvenience that got to me.

I’ve got to make the appointment and they’ll never take me on time and I have to tell work that I’ll be out/late, blah blah blah.

Then I read the notice carefully and realized this was going to be one of those “Oh, shit, I’m actually getting older” moments.

I need to get a new photo and take a vision test (and likely update any other pertinent information).  They also list the current info so you can compare your stats.  Age?  Older, of course.  Vision?  Worse.  Height?  Same.  Weight?  I’m going to just crawl into a hole now, thankyouverymuch…

Martha F’ing Stewart

9 May

So in an interview with Matt Lauer, Martha Stewart said that she tried to fill out her online dating profile on Match.com because she’s openly seeking a companion.  (Side note: please watch this great SNL video making fun of this fact, if only for Kate McKinnon, my new girl crush.)

Intercourse. It’s a good thing.

Within days, thousands of men, some more serious than others, have signed on to the website to try to date her.  This morning on Today, Martha met two of the guys screened from thousands who seemed pretty OK, actually.  Both were active, average-looking/handsome, philanthropic, career men with hobbies.

Say what you will about Martha Stewart (she’s bitchy, maniacal, anal-retentive, guilty of insider trading), she’s a very powerful businesswoman who has cultivated a life that she wants and is trying to make that life available to others (at participating store locations).

I respect that and the work she’s put into her empire.  I also think that everyone deserves to have a companion, so it’s nice that she’s getting back out there.

But I can’t help but also be angry (OK, angry may be a bit strong… miffed) that it’s coming this goddamn easily to her.  I don’t get thousands of inquiries!  I don’t get to have people screen and search for me so I can close my eyes and pick someone who likely won’t be too fucked up to have a few dates with!  I don’t have millions of dollars!  Yes, she worked her way up and deserves nice things, but damnit, does it have to be SO easy for her?!

It’s the Little Things/Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

30 Apr

My life is ruled by a constant tug o’ war between two clichéd sayings — “It’s the little things in life” and “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

In trying to both delight in the small stuff and not let it get me down, I find myself rather conflicted and both in awe of and dragged down by the little things.  I shall now present you with examples from different areas of life…

Music:

There is nothing like the exact right song coming on the radio—be it a good dance tune or a song you haven’t heard since a middle school dance (“Tootsie Roll” anyone?) or one you didn’t even know was exactly right for your mood.

There is also no frustration like there being absolutely nothing on the radio.  Doesn’t it always happen when you’re in traffic?  Either it’s too much talking or lame commercials (I don’t care about the “smell good plumbers” or cheap auto insurance for risky drivers thankyouverymuch) or that overplayed song that you know won’t leave your head!

Food:

I am a person who likes to save a “good bite” for last so that’s the taste I have in my mouth when I’m done eating.  If you’ve sat down to a meal with me you know that I like to prepare my food first (rather than cut/sauce and eat as I go), so I often have the last bite kinda planned.  (OMG, you are saying to yourself, how can she still be single?!)  So when I have that last yummy bite at the end of my meal, that’s truly contentment.

You ever go to take that last bite and have it fall off the plate onto a table that is borderline clean?  That’s a big fucking bummer.

Appearance:

A good hair day can fix almost anything.  “Well, at least I’m having a good hair day” is a phrase that I find myself saying all of the time.  Shitty day at work?  “Well, at least I’m having a good hair day.”  Horrible traffic to get home from said shitty day at work?  “Well, at least I’m having a good hair day.”

Conversely, a bad hair day can just deflate the ego like a popped Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon.  “Great job on that report!”  Internally, “That’s great.  Too bad I’m having a shitty hair day.”

Grammar and Spelling:

I’m not perfect with my grammar, but I admire people who do use the rules of grammar correctly or at least make an attempt, especially in public speaking or professional discourse.  A mucky muck in my department uses the correct plural of the word “forum”—rather than saying “forums” (which is colloquially correct, I guess, but not technically) he says “fora” (the correct word).  This grammatical correctness makes me so excited.  Like when someone uses “whom” or a semicolon correctly.  NERD.

On the other hand, when someone puts an errant apostrophe or unnecessary quotes or makes a glaring spelling error in a sign or on a menu (or worse, an online dating profile!), I just get sad.  I don’t get angry anymore (am I moving through the stages of grief?), but I just have a little “awww, bummer” moment in my head.

Pillow Man

18 Apr

As I was trying to fall asleep last night (alone, except for my two cats roaming around and knocking stuff over to wake me up) I had a startlingly sad realization.

I sleep on one side of the bed.

Well, that’s not surprising—a lot of people tend to lean more to one side of the bed, even if they have the whole thing to themselves.  I posit that I chose that side mostly because it’s easier to get out of the bed when you’re closer to the side that’s away from the wall.  Reasonable thought.  But I also like to have a lot of pillows at the head of the bed; as a side-sleeper it keeps me neck from hurting.  But in the search for the right pillow density, I have more pillows than can really fit at the head of the bed.

I have created a “pillow man,” whose side of the bed I do not infringe upon.

Yes, I have inadvertently created a pillow boyfriend, the stuff of internet jokes and gag gifts.

Sure, I always sleep semi-upright in armchairs without a blanket… Don’t you?

And it’s nearly impossible to fall asleep after you’ve come face to face with your own goddamn sadness.