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Advice for My Unconceived Child: Bangs

21 Feb

Dear Daughter,

If you are reading this, you exist. And for that, I am grateful because that means I’ve had sex in my adult life. In this blog I have compiled everything that I have learned that you will need to know about romantic relationships.

I know that this may not seem like advice on relationships, but on fashion. But I ask you to follow me through this. One day, you and maybe your girlfriends will be talking about clothing, boys (yuck), and finally haircuts. One of them may suggest that such and such celebrity has an amazing new haircut. You will all swoon at how beautiful her hair is. Then one of your friends will turn to you and suggest you get that haircut because its sexy and guys will find it sexy too.

Now, here is where my advice comes in: if the haircut is Bangs, please, for the love of all that worth living for in this world, DO NOT GET BANGS! Almost all guys do NOT like bangs! We won’t say it to your face or even know that we don’t like it, but something primal in us just goes, “Huh? Eww.”

Okay, that was a little harsh. Now to soften the blow. Honey, I love you and will always love you, but bangs are really ugly, and so too will your bangs be.

Sorry, I’m not good at softening the blow.

Let me put it this way: your bangs will not look like:

Hairstyles-with-BangsNice!

To most guys, they will look like:

Moe-Howard

Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!

Or, like you’re trying to hide something:

selRih

Like a GIANT FOREHEAD!!!

So, if you do get the haircut and wonder why “he” didn’t call back, it was probably that “Donald Trump toupee” knock-off on your head.

On second thought, I don’t want you going out with any of those lousy boys with their motorcycles and leather jackets; get the bangs!

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Advice for My Unconcieved Child: The Friend Zone

15 Feb

Dear Son,

If you are reading this, you exist. And for that, I am grateful because that means I’ve had sex in my adult life. In this blog I have compiled everything that I have learned that you will need to know about romantic relationships.

If you are anything like me, people really like you. I mean really like you. They like to hang out with you and think you’re just the “bee’s knees.” Sadly, this isn’t just a gift, it is also a curse. One day, my son you will like someone and you will want to spend time with them. And because you’re so well-liked, they will want to spend time with you as well. But there is a place, my son, that one day you will find yourself. It will seem like a nice place, and it is, but it will not be a place you want to be.

ConfusedBoy

“But father, how can I be at a nice place and a place I don’t want to be at the same time?” you say with a British accent.

Because you are in the Friend Zone, my son.

What is the Friend Zone? It a place that I have known well, I used to vacation there for long periods of time. So long, in fact, that I had to file taxes because of earned income. The Friend Zone is a place where a girl loves to hang out with you and talk to you and deal with her problems with you. And it’s nice because you love all that too!

BUT, and its a big But, (and, if you’re like your Daddy, you don’t mind a big butt) you like her romantically, but she does not like you romantically. And she never will.

But before you get angry and say things to her that you can’t take back, read this article from Foz Meadows: Lamenting the Friend Zone

Yes, you could bitch and moan that some girl that you treat well doesn’t like you, or you can take this quote from the article as a criticism:

That because you’re nice and treat her well, she therefore owes you at least one opportunity to present yourself as a viable sexual candidate, even if she’s already made it clear that this isn’t what she wants.

or more succinctly from HexJackal,

Friendzoning is bullshit because girls are not machines that you put Kindness Coins into until sex falls out.

BOOM! SUCK IT YA PUNK BITCH!!! Sorry son, you didn’t need that right now, but you have to learn that.

But sometimes son, you may not know if you are in the Friend Zone. There are a few tips to know if you are:  If you go out with someone more than three times and you don’t kiss, hold hands, or look deep into each others eyes while hugging, you are not dating. The best you can do is take a chance. And when you get shot down and hurl toward the Earth while the skin burns off your bones, you can thank me that you now know where you stand.

Falling

“Thanks, Dad” -You

If you are my son, and I trust your mother that you are, you believe that men and women are equal… in conversation at least. I’m not gonna lie to you that I judge women solely on the quality of their work or character, because that would be… well… a lie. I divide many of them as sexual goals and non-goals. The sexual non-goals may become friends, or just acquaintances never to be seen again. But it’s when you don’t accept or respect a woman’s choice to remove herself from the goal section, that you will fester.

Ah yes, m’boy, “No” really does mean “No.” But when you’re in the Friend Zone it’s a “No, thank you.” She’s doesn’t want to hurt you, so it’s not a mean “No.”

When this happens, and it will happen, you will also have a choice: to stay or to go. Stay around as a true friend; or go as what would have been a terrible friend. This will not be an easy choice. In my life, I have made more wrong decisions than I have made right ones. You’ll have to judge that person solely on their work or character and take sex off the table, because there will NEVER. BE. SEX.

Is she edgy and cool? Take away sex. Now she’s kinda judgmental of others and boring.

Is she kind and sweet? Take away sex. Now she lectures you constantly on the cruelty that the chicken suffered so you could eat your sandwich.

Is she dryly funny and a logical thinker? Take away sex. She still that? Now you have a true friend and you’ve brought her into your Friend Zone. A dual Friend Zone where you can skip and talk, laugh and drink, and at the end of the night go your separate ways to your cold cold beds.

On the up side…she probably has some cute friends!

BTW, I didn’t die in a horrific Star Trek vs. Star Wars back alley brawl like your mother told you, it was a stroke. I didn’t want you to think I was weak.

Love,

Your Father

Advice for My Unconcieved Child: Physical Contact

30 Jan

Dear Daughter,

If you are reading this, you exist. And for that, I am grateful because that means I’ve had sex in my adult life. In this blog I have compiled everything that I have learned that you will need to know about romantic relationships.

Ah my daughter! My adorable sweet daughter. I have dealt with many women in my time and I can honestly say that I would HATE you if you were not my daughter.
 
Nothing personal sweety, you’re just a woman. (I know my colleague Danielle will hate that, but she’s just a woman too.)
My daughter, you will be the bane of many men’s existences. Why do I know this? Because if I know me, your mother is HOT and also I am adorable. You have both those things going for you. 

One day there will be a man which you have no sexual attraction to, but for some reason or another you will have to spend time with him. For this, I have a sliver of advice for you, never touch him.

I don’t mean in the sexual way a man and woman touch, I mean in any form, avoid touching him like the plague. Almost any physical contact with send sexdorphins to his brain and then you are shit out o’luck.

But if for some reason that I can’t fathom, you have to touch him, here is some advice:

Do not touch him outside of three inches from his elbow joint.

43-1

Even with a woman, not sexy.

You can always go with a lecturing pose, finger pointed and other hand on shoulder

OSee? To him, Not sexy.

Stop-pointing-finger-at-your-lover To him, could be sexy.

And of course with any of these approved physical contact suggestions, make sure have a firm manly grip, and  not use  any tickling motion or pulsing of the fingers. Because any non-constant pressure will be relayed to his penis for a pleasure-ability assessment.

BTW, I didn’t die in a Comic-Con stampeed, it was liver failure brought on by too much alcohol consumption.

Love,

Your Father