Tag Archives: party

Pass the ‘Tang

21 May

I was recently at a friend’s party. Coincidentally, one of her co-workers was a friend back from my days in education (as a student, but the way I said it makes me sound more professional). How to describe our relationship is interesting because there really isn’t one. We were friends, I guess. Every time we used to talk at school her body language was always very flirty, which would be great…if I wanted to hook up with her. Look, don’t get me wrong she’s a nice girl, but—to quote a book/movie I’ve never seen—I’m just not that into her.

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And she’s also kinda stupid.

But seeing as we were at a party and I was a wee bit drunk, her a bit more so, I thought, “I’m in a drought, it would be so easy to just ask her out and get some poon!” I also discovered that I use the word “poon” in my head when I’m drunk. Luckily, calmer heads prevailed (pun intended, ladies (women love puns, guys)). I did not ask her out and I have remained sexless since then.

The End.

NAH, that’s not the end.

Apparently, she was very drunk and ended up having sex with some random dude at the party in a bathroom! So the way I see it, if I had asked her out, I would have had an insanely bruised ego when I found out the next day she was too drunk to remember me asking her out before she gave her poon-hole to some guy. CRISIS AVERTED!

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Thank you fate for helping me avoid listening to Billie Holiday and crying into my pillow while eating ice cream!

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Dis Shit Cray!

10 Jan

Why are extremely beautiful women on OKCupid? It makes no sense! Honestly, these beautiful, active women meet no one to their liking? I call bullshit!

As I’ve pondered this while loudly scoffing at their profiles, I’ve realized that there are two possibilities why they’re on OKCupid. 1) They’re just showing off or B) They are completely insane.

Why just these two options? Because. That’s why. But if you need a better reason, why are you being such a difficult jerk? I’ll indulge you anyway for the sake of the article and a word count.

The girls who are just showing off are pretty obvious. They have the confidence to put up lots of bikini photos. There are pictures of them with good looking guys, some of whom they are making out with. They’re in exotic locales. They seem to be living the dream. I don’t pity them for one second that they, “Can’t find the right guy =(” Seriously, she could look to her left and find a guy so astonished that a girl like her would go out with him that he’d “Slap his mama!” So lets just hate those girls right off the bat, shall we? Okay, moving on.

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Chivalry isn’t dead! “Shots” guy or “Cocaine” guy?

Now for the completely insane. I don’t mean the girls that like to go out and party while their boyfriend looks hollow inside. No, I mean a girl who will carve her name into your car seats. I’M LOOKING AT YOU CARRIE UNDERWOOD!

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At first she simply asked you if your friend thought her friend was cute. To which you replied, “Yes, he’d be lucky to go out with a girl like her.” Then she took a tack hammer to your windshield. Now that seems insane, yes, but lets try to understand her. In her head, by your friend saying her friend was cute, she heard that you agree and most likely already had sex with her in your car. So she lovingly slashed your tires, tenderly throws your PS3 down the stairs, endearingly poisons your goldfish, and then passionately stabs you with a machete during coitus.

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See? It’s all out of love!