The Three Hardest Forrest Gump Trivia Questions!

7 May

I was recently sitting at a Bubba Gump Shrimp and watching the infinite loop of the film, Forrest Gump. If you haven’t been there before, its a Forrest Gump-themed restaurant where the servers occasionally ask you Forrest Gump trivia.

Forrest Gump

Spoiler alert!

If you haven’t seen the movie, go back under your rock and watch it. It’s a good flick! 

So I was trying to think of trivia questions they don’t ask. Suddenly, the questions just popped into my head.

1) How does Jenny die?

Times up!

Its AIDS!

If you guessed that correctly, Good Job! The next one is multiple choice!

2) When did she contract it?

A) Was it before she raped the retarded guy in his childhood bedroom?

Thus giving Forrest AIDS, too.

B) After having sex with Forrest, but before learning of her pregnancy with Forrest’s child?

Thus giving her child AIDS.

Or

C) After giving birth to Forrest’s child and after weaning him off beast milk?

Thus avoiding giving anyone AIDS! That is…until she and Forrest got married and most likely had unprotected sex.

bubba

Finally…

3) Which is the saddest possible answer to question #2?

After all his accomplishments, war valor, and achieving things greater than anyone (regardless of mental capacity) could have hoped for, the thing to destroy him is his love of a woman. Every possible answer to #2 ultimately results in Jenny killing Forrest Gump with AIDS! And in two possibilities, Forrest Jr. may have aids too.

allihaveto

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My Life is Awesomely Delusional!

2 May

I watch too many movies. Possibly, too many BAD movies and I watched them from a young age. So I’ve come to the realization that I must remind myself that my daily life is not a movie. It’s not like I go around like an honest cop with nothing to lose or a spunky investigative journalist looking for love. There are just moments where the first thought that pops into my head are movie clichés rather than real life possibilities.

At the bar:

I was at a college bar and a girl ran into me. She was cute and innocent, but not naïve. She said, “Excuse me, I’m sorry” and then walked off.  So obviously, SHE WAS A PICKPOCKET! Ah yes, rather than chat and flirt with her like a normally libido-ed man, I checked my wallet to make sure she didn’t get 33 bucks and a Chili’s gift card with $7.64 left on it. What college girl learns to pick pockets?

This Girl!

This Girl!

I felt for my wallet, found it, then looked back at her walking away and thought, “What’s your game? What are you really after?” It was like the hot female version of Oliver and I was the mark. But what if she were Catwoman and instead of taking something, she was planting something so she could seduce me and take it back later? Sadly, she’d probably just take me into an alley with promises of fellating me and instead crack my head against a wall and take it back from my jacket pocket. Then she’d put my hat over my eyes and people would think I was drunk and leave me alone.

The Men’s Room:

Occasionally, I’m alone in a public bathroom. It’s really great. I can just pee and pee and there’s no one to judge me for it. When I’m done, I wash my hands (like everyone should, you gross-ass mother fuckers!!!). While rinsing, a man walks in, I glance at him through the mirror as he walks to the urinals. I finish rinsing, dry my hands and walk out. That’s it.

BUT! In my head, he turns from the urinals with a Desert Eagle and begins firing at me, but I’m too quick. I rip the towel dispenser off the wall and throw it at him. It distracts him for just long enough so I can rush him and we get into a no holds barred fight. Soon, stall doors are torn off their hinges, broken porcelain litters the floor, and pee pee water is spraying from pipes ripped from the walls. Then I’d give him a swirly in a toilet bowl and say something like “You’re Number 2.”

Who does #2 work for??

Who does #2 work for??

Examples of what my bathroom trips are like:

True LiesCasino RoyaleEastern PromisesHarry Potter

Walking down a dark street:

Sometimes in L.A. it’s night. No, it’s not all sunshine and milkshakes with strippers like you see on TV.

And when it’s night, I become the night!

Perhaps I’m leaving a bar and heading to my car. There I am walking down a dark residential street. The moon shines through the branches of the trees. The sound of my shoes clack on the sidewalk. But what is that? A second set of footsteps! I take an unnecessary left turn at the next street. Hide just around the corner. Nothing.

No, really nothing. There was no person. It was probably an echo or a branch or…something. So I walk back to the street I unnecessarily turned on and walk another block to my car.

But what it would have been like was The Departed! Weaving and ducking between buildings! Who’s following who? And what danger is behind that dumpster? Since I don’t know, I pretend I’m a spy. I duck behind trees and hide in the shadows. It gets awkward when others aren’t in on it.

Fuck You random guy and your tiny dog!

Fuck you random guy and your tiny dog!

It’s the Little Things/Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

30 Apr

My life is ruled by a constant tug o’ war between two clichéd sayings — “It’s the little things in life” and “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

In trying to both delight in the small stuff and not let it get me down, I find myself rather conflicted and both in awe of and dragged down by the little things.  I shall now present you with examples from different areas of life…

Music:

There is nothing like the exact right song coming on the radio—be it a good dance tune or a song you haven’t heard since a middle school dance (“Tootsie Roll” anyone?) or one you didn’t even know was exactly right for your mood.

There is also no frustration like there being absolutely nothing on the radio.  Doesn’t it always happen when you’re in traffic?  Either it’s too much talking or lame commercials (I don’t care about the “smell good plumbers” or cheap auto insurance for risky drivers thankyouverymuch) or that overplayed song that you know won’t leave your head!

Food:

I am a person who likes to save a “good bite” for last so that’s the taste I have in my mouth when I’m done eating.  If you’ve sat down to a meal with me you know that I like to prepare my food first (rather than cut/sauce and eat as I go), so I often have the last bite kinda planned.  (OMG, you are saying to yourself, how can she still be single?!)  So when I have that last yummy bite at the end of my meal, that’s truly contentment.

You ever go to take that last bite and have it fall off the plate onto a table that is borderline clean?  That’s a big fucking bummer.

Appearance:

A good hair day can fix almost anything.  “Well, at least I’m having a good hair day” is a phrase that I find myself saying all of the time.  Shitty day at work?  “Well, at least I’m having a good hair day.”  Horrible traffic to get home from said shitty day at work?  “Well, at least I’m having a good hair day.”

Conversely, a bad hair day can just deflate the ego like a popped Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon.  “Great job on that report!”  Internally, “That’s great.  Too bad I’m having a shitty hair day.”

Grammar and Spelling:

I’m not perfect with my grammar, but I admire people who do use the rules of grammar correctly or at least make an attempt, especially in public speaking or professional discourse.  A mucky muck in my department uses the correct plural of the word “forum”—rather than saying “forums” (which is colloquially correct, I guess, but not technically) he says “fora” (the correct word).  This grammatical correctness makes me so excited.  Like when someone uses “whom” or a semicolon correctly.  NERD.

On the other hand, when someone puts an errant apostrophe or unnecessary quotes or makes a glaring spelling error in a sign or on a menu (or worse, an online dating profile!), I just get sad.  I don’t get angry anymore (am I moving through the stages of grief?), but I just have a little “awww, bummer” moment in my head.

Dating IRL: Asking Out a Date

25 Apr

Unlike online dating, real life dating can be tricky. (WOW! That’s a false statement!)

Even though there are lots of pitfalls of dating outside of a dating website, the first pitfall that usually happens is knowing if the meeting is actually a date. So:

How should I ask someone out?

Am old enough to date?

Am I old enough to date?

In order to make this as easy as possible, I’ve created a dialogue to help you through date requisition:

Hello [date target’s name]. Would you like to go out on a date with me?

Now it may seem awkward and forced to say the words “Go Out” or “Date,” but trust me, these words will make it known that you want to see this person in a romantic way. You don’t need to use both phrases, one will suffice. You may also use, “Take you out” or “Buy you dinner.” If you don’t say these words, you and your target won’t know if the rendezvous is a date or simply a friendly meeting. 

Possible Responses: “Yes” or “No”

If No, end dialogue. Turn, walk away.

If Yes:

“When are you free?”

Making a preliminary plan is a sign of commitment to the Romantic Rendezvous and that you are not a flake.

Possible Response(s): “I am free on [specified time].”

If the specified time is acceptable, move to last dialogue point.

If the specified time is unacceptable, try:

“[Alternate time] would be acceptable for me.”

Options: decide on location, activity, and/or budget of Romantic Rendezvous.

Continue this scheduling for as long as needed. When scheduling is concluded:

Acceptable, this [date] at [time].

Acquire adequate contact information, smile, turn, walk away.

This should conclude “How to ask for a date.”

Now, go forth and make your romantic intentions known!

Dreamland Ramblings

23 Apr

As a “humorist” (I use that term lightly), I always need to be aware of something funny to write. It could be something so inane, but for some reason I’d be able to write pages upon pages about “How I like my eggs” (I know, very interesting).

Sometimes, these ideas are so brilliant that they awake me from my slumber and must be written down. And in most of these instances, when I wake up the next morning, the ideas are…well…shit.

Hell, sometimes I have no idea what the fuck I was writing about.

So for your pleasure, and my embarrassment, I shall try to decode the 4am ramblings of a half asleep, idiot man.

Ready?

Cowboys Redskins Football

Okay!

“The worst part about getting bit by a rattlesnake is that it doesn’t eat you. Such a waste of meat.”

I’m my recent research I discovered that out of 2,700 species, only about 375 are poisonous. So only about 14% of all snakes would actually be able to kill you. But what’s more sad is that if a snake bites you and you die as a result, most of the time the snake won’t eat you! The whole “circle of life” thing just falls apart. As a human you’d be an awesome meal for a snake. It wouldn’t have to eat for like a month! Instead, you’d just lay there and rot, sure other things may eat your dead body, but that snake gets nothing.

In fact, only if you were in the Amazon jungle and a giant python killed you would you be eaten by a snake.

SnakeMan

That snake knows what I’m talking about!

Anyway, this late night note makes sense. It’s just a fact though, not necessarily a joke. Good think I never put this in an article!

Next!

“Anti-cloning argument: bad date, but worse because its a raptor.”

The first part and the last part of this make sense. Anti-cloning and raptor. I still agree and I’d think this is a good note…If it weren’t for “bad date”! What the hell was I thinking??

The best I can come up with is that perhaps I would go out on a blind date with a girl. We’d message back and forth, and because of “now legal cloning” in the world of my dreams, she’s a clone. BUT! what I didn’t realize is that she was actually cloned female raptor! I meet up with her at dinner and she eats me. Boom, “Anti-Cloning Argument”!

Dinner-for-Two
Or we have white wine and fried Calamari.

Or perhaps, I’ve just got an issue with raptors. They’re violent, sinisterly brilliant, and carnivorous. Plus, they’re clingy, irrational, but boy are they crazy in bed!!!

Moving on!

“I find dolphins patronizing. They’re always performing. Just chill. Also, would abort their children.”

I think this one came up after “The Cove” won the Oscar for best documentary. It’s producer was this guy:

johnny5_shortcircuit2

Not the guy in the cowboy hat, the other one.

Coincidentally, I’m Japanese like those guys in “The Cove”, and though I don’t really condone the mass killing of dolphins, I really don’t care for dolphins either. I think in America we place importance on things that happen in pop culture.

Apparently, nobody cared about the discovery of the planet Pluto until Mickey Mouse named his dog “Pluto.” Then when Pluto was downgraded to a satellite, people were up in arms and picketing in front of…”space/planet naming people.” So I think the same thing happened because of the show, Flipper.

Honestly, dolphins are like the teacher’s pets of the ocean. They want us to pay attention to them, laugh with them, and feed them. But did you also know that male dolphins occasionally gang rape female dolphins? Sometimes they even rape humans?? They do!

And it’s also believed that dolphins can self abort their fetuses.

The Republicans were right! Female anatomy does have counter-measures…it’s just that it’s dolphin female anatomy.