Tag Archives: spinster in training

Martha F’ing Stewart

9 May

So in an interview with Matt Lauer, Martha Stewart said that she tried to fill out her online dating profile on Match.com because she’s openly seeking a companion.  (Side note: please watch this great SNL video making fun of this fact, if only for Kate McKinnon, my new girl crush.)

Intercourse. It’s a good thing.

Within days, thousands of men, some more serious than others, have signed on to the website to try to date her.  This morning on Today, Martha met two of the guys screened from thousands who seemed pretty OK, actually.  Both were active, average-looking/handsome, philanthropic, career men with hobbies.

Say what you will about Martha Stewart (she’s bitchy, maniacal, anal-retentive, guilty of insider trading), she’s a very powerful businesswoman who has cultivated a life that she wants and is trying to make that life available to others (at participating store locations).

I respect that and the work she’s put into her empire.  I also think that everyone deserves to have a companion, so it’s nice that she’s getting back out there.

But I can’t help but also be angry (OK, angry may be a bit strong… miffed) that it’s coming this goddamn easily to her.  I don’t get thousands of inquiries!  I don’t get to have people screen and search for me so I can close my eyes and pick someone who likely won’t be too fucked up to have a few dates with!  I don’t have millions of dollars!  Yes, she worked her way up and deserves nice things, but damnit, does it have to be SO easy for her?!

“Dear John…”

14 Mar

Look [insert name here], I like hanging out with you, but” is never how you want a text message to start.  Let alone the latest in what feels like the bajillionth text message of this type you’ve received from a man in the past few years.

Here we go again.

Another “not actually a relationship” is over, again.  A lack of true romantic compatibility has now become too glaringly evident to keep ignoring.  Another “I don’t know how to say this but I’ve actually started seeing someone.”  Life is not Friends With Benefits—the damaged girl doesn’t get Justin Timberlake.  When people stop just “hanging out” or “hooking up” it’s not because they’ve magically fallen in love with the other person and they are now “boyfriend and girlfriend” or “engaged”.  They stop because one of them has found something more desirable (an actual relationship?) and moves on.  Sometimes it happens simultaneously for both people or they have another person in the on deck circle to lessen the blow.  Sometimes people decide they’d rather not go on that way and think it better to be singly single.

It was either Sigmund Freud or Captain Kangaroo who said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results.” (Actually, I’ve learned the quote is from a Narcotics Anonymous text, and not from Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or any of the aforementioned.)

Sometimes you just have decide to stop the insanity.  Easier said than done, right?

Stop Looking

13 Feb

I am told, by everyone who has the ability to speak, that I will find him when I stop looking.  I find this an impossible task, to stop looking.  It’s also the WORST dating advice someone can give another person thankyouverymuch—it’s like telling  me “Don’t cry”, when I’m already crying.  And it’s not like every guy I see in my cross-hairs (for some reason in this analogy I picture myself to be a sort of submarine with a kind of dating periscope) gets captured, assessed for optimal dateability, and then released into the wild.  I don’t enter every interaction (a trip to the supermarket, dinner with friends, walk through the mall) with the hopes I’ll come out of it with a date or more.  But I’m not exactly not looking either.

But how does a single person who admittedly no longer wants to be single anymore not look?  I could work on me, get my shit together.  But I think I’ve got things moving pretty nicely.  I have a job, a car, my own place, two crazy cats.  Not that these things equal a whole person, mind you, but I’m working on it.  I get my head shrunk and try to keep active.  I try to keep my creative juices going by experiencing and creating arts/crafts so I can express myself.  There’s good shit here, just ask my mom.

I’m a late bloomer socially so I expect things to take longer for me, but, like we’ve established, I’m going to be 30.  30!  I think I’ve turned my head away and stopped looking enough times for someone to sneak up, right?

Serial Online Dater

8 Feb

I’m an old hat at online dating.  Whenever a friend is tired of their current dating routine and says, “Y’know, I was thinking about joining OKCupid/Match/eHarmony/etc.,” I am a staunch supporter.  There’s a method to the madness and I’ve worked to perfect my madness.  Despite my harumph-er-ahem years of experience, I am, by absolutely no means, an online dating success story.

Wait, I don’t have that on my keyboard… Am I the ONLY one?! Does EVERYONE ELSE have this?!

But, here are my tips for how I whittle down the many, many men on dating sites to  those who I will attempt to contact (or reciprocate contact) for dating and general merriment…

Profile turn-offs:

  • If a guy only has webcam selfies (isn’t that the stupidest word?).  I mean, have at least one photo that wasn’t taken in the glow of the laptop.  This isn’t MySpace, kids.
  • If a guy only has pictures of himself in a group (especially so you can’t tell who is who).  Crop a pic and give me a close-up.  I won’t be having a relationship with you at 20 feet.
  • If a guy’s main picture is a glamour shot of his abs.  I mean, congratulations, really, but c’mon…

Occasionally, a fella will message me (woohoo, I got one!).  I understand the cold open is difficult; I used to send messages all the time, and it’s exhausting trying to be clever, I get that.  But here are things that bother me:

Message turn-offs:

  • Shit-poor grammar.  I understand that there’s leeway in personal communication, and nobody is perfect, but if I can’t decipher what you’re saying, that’s going to be an issue…
  • I honestly hate physical compliments as openers.  As backwards as it is to not want a compliment on a site where your photo is your main hook (and yes, I accent my cleavage in what I would like to think is a classy way), I would prefer you took something from what I said and then made a gentle compliment.  And while the physical may be what you notice first as you view my thumbnail (hey, that’s what I notice first), please take the time to at least pretend it isn’t.
  • If I can tell that this is a form email, I’m already bummed about you, dude.  While I agree it’s a “numbers game”, sending me a message that you’ve sent to dozens of women makes me feel like the girl at the bar that you’ve decided to talk to at the end of the night (after striking out with my friends).

And while I like to think that these “standards” have helped me weed out some of the crazies or the creepies or the crazy-creepies, I’m still single.  So….

Cat Masochism. Cat-ochism?

4 Feb

I will often sit for long periods of time, in agony—having to pee or in the throes of a shoulder or leg cramp—so I don’t disturb my cats as they sleep on my lap.  The fact that I know that they can fall asleep anywhere, and sleep for about 22 hours a day, doesn’t factor into my thought process at all.  Never mind the fact that when I am trying to sleep they are perfectly content to run around, knock things over, and wake me up early to get me to feed them with no regard for MY sleep habits or preferences.  How do they know that the time is RIGHT before my alarm is set to go off?!

You can't see, but that's my lap under all of that cat.

You can’t see, but that’s my lap under all of that cat-ness.

It doesn’t help that they do that thing that little kids do when they don’t want to be picked up—they somehow make themselves like 20 pounds heavier and turn their muscles to jelly so they don’t have to stand up.  I pick them up by their bellies and do this little dance like with a marionette trying to get their feet to prop up on the ground so they will go their merry little cat way.  It often takes a few tries before I feel like I can let go so they won’t collapse on the ground or rear back and bite/scratch.

Pure cat-loving masochism.