Tag Archives: online dating

Martha F’ing Stewart

9 May

So in an interview with Matt Lauer, Martha Stewart said that she tried to fill out her online dating profile on Match.com because she’s openly seeking a companion.  (Side note: please watch this great SNL video making fun of this fact, if only for Kate McKinnon, my new girl crush.)

Intercourse. It’s a good thing.

Within days, thousands of men, some more serious than others, have signed on to the website to try to date her.  This morning on Today, Martha met two of the guys screened from thousands who seemed pretty OK, actually.  Both were active, average-looking/handsome, philanthropic, career men with hobbies.

Say what you will about Martha Stewart (she’s bitchy, maniacal, anal-retentive, guilty of insider trading), she’s a very powerful businesswoman who has cultivated a life that she wants and is trying to make that life available to others (at participating store locations).

I respect that and the work she’s put into her empire.  I also think that everyone deserves to have a companion, so it’s nice that she’s getting back out there.

But I can’t help but also be angry (OK, angry may be a bit strong… miffed) that it’s coming this goddamn easily to her.  I don’t get thousands of inquiries!  I don’t get to have people screen and search for me so I can close my eyes and pick someone who likely won’t be too fucked up to have a few dates with!  I don’t have millions of dollars!  Yes, she worked her way up and deserves nice things, but damnit, does it have to be SO easy for her?!


Dating IRL: Asking Out a Date

25 Apr

Unlike online dating, real life dating can be tricky. (WOW! That’s a false statement!)

Even though there are lots of pitfalls of dating outside of a dating website, the first pitfall that usually happens is knowing if the meeting is actually a date. So:

How should I ask someone out?

Am old enough to date?

Am I old enough to date?

In order to make this as easy as possible, I’ve created a dialogue to help you through date requisition:

Hello [date target’s name]. Would you like to go out on a date with me?

Now it may seem awkward and forced to say the words “Go Out” or “Date,” but trust me, these words will make it known that you want to see this person in a romantic way. You don’t need to use both phrases, one will suffice. You may also use, “Take you out” or “Buy you dinner.” If you don’t say these words, you and your target won’t know if the rendezvous is a date or simply a friendly meeting. 

Possible Responses: “Yes” or “No”

If No, end dialogue. Turn, walk away.

If Yes:

“When are you free?”

Making a preliminary plan is a sign of commitment to the Romantic Rendezvous and that you are not a flake.

Possible Response(s): “I am free on [specified time].”

If the specified time is acceptable, move to last dialogue point.

If the specified time is unacceptable, try:

“[Alternate time] would be acceptable for me.”

Options: decide on location, activity, and/or budget of Romantic Rendezvous.

Continue this scheduling for as long as needed. When scheduling is concluded:

Acceptable, this [date] at [time].

Acquire adequate contact information, smile, turn, walk away.

This should conclude “How to ask for a date.”

Now, go forth and make your romantic intentions known!

Great, But Not Awesome :-(

14 Feb

Lets get something out of the way; I’m a great guy. There. Said it. Done.
That being said, I’m not an awesome guy. I’m not saying on a scale of “Shit-Based Gollum” to “Greatest Man in History, Never to be Repeated,” I’m just great, but not amazing. NO! I’m saying that they are two different things.

Same can be said about women’s online dating profiles. I occasionally come across the profiles of women who seem to live too awesome of a life compared to a great guy like me. They are way too motivated, brilliant, and attractive as well. I can’t compete with her amazing science and beauty abilities, never mind all the other guys that I have to kill because they stand in my way!


“I am among those who think that science has great beauty.”

-Marie Curie

In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’ve scripted what a dialogue between me and an “awesome” woman might sound like on a first date.

Marcus: Hello, “Woman” its a pleasure to finally meet you!

Woman: Same to you, Marcus! What’s the plan?

M: Well I thought we’d go to the art museum and then grab some dinner!

W: That sounds nice. You want to bike over? I just retired from pro cycling.

M: I’ll drive.

W: Oh, is this your car?

M: Yeah, its a new Prius.

W: It’s adorable. When I was modeling in Tokyo a few years ago, Toyota asked me to take a look at the spec for their new Hybrid engine.

M: Oh…

W: They were having a problem with Lithium-Ion Cell degradation.

M: Oh…so how was your weekend?

W: It was relaxing. I climbed a mountain.

M: You went on a hike?

W: No, I climbed a [motherfucking] mountain. Then I wing-suited back down. You?

M: I wrote a few articles for my blog on Star Trek TNG. Then finished Borderlands 2.


W: Into a helicopter.

M: What?

W: I wing-suited from the top of a mountain into a hovering helicopter.

M: I made spaghetti sauce…From scratch.

I showed her! That show-offy bitch! GREAT GUY!!!

Serial Online Dater

8 Feb

I’m an old hat at online dating.  Whenever a friend is tired of their current dating routine and says, “Y’know, I was thinking about joining OKCupid/Match/eHarmony/etc.,” I am a staunch supporter.  There’s a method to the madness and I’ve worked to perfect my madness.  Despite my harumph-er-ahem years of experience, I am, by absolutely no means, an online dating success story.

Wait, I don’t have that on my keyboard… Am I the ONLY one?! Does EVERYONE ELSE have this?!

But, here are my tips for how I whittle down the many, many men on dating sites to  those who I will attempt to contact (or reciprocate contact) for dating and general merriment…

Profile turn-offs:

  • If a guy only has webcam selfies (isn’t that the stupidest word?).  I mean, have at least one photo that wasn’t taken in the glow of the laptop.  This isn’t MySpace, kids.
  • If a guy only has pictures of himself in a group (especially so you can’t tell who is who).  Crop a pic and give me a close-up.  I won’t be having a relationship with you at 20 feet.
  • If a guy’s main picture is a glamour shot of his abs.  I mean, congratulations, really, but c’mon…

Occasionally, a fella will message me (woohoo, I got one!).  I understand the cold open is difficult; I used to send messages all the time, and it’s exhausting trying to be clever, I get that.  But here are things that bother me:

Message turn-offs:

  • Shit-poor grammar.  I understand that there’s leeway in personal communication, and nobody is perfect, but if I can’t decipher what you’re saying, that’s going to be an issue…
  • I honestly hate physical compliments as openers.  As backwards as it is to not want a compliment on a site where your photo is your main hook (and yes, I accent my cleavage in what I would like to think is a classy way), I would prefer you took something from what I said and then made a gentle compliment.  And while the physical may be what you notice first as you view my thumbnail (hey, that’s what I notice first), please take the time to at least pretend it isn’t.
  • If I can tell that this is a form email, I’m already bummed about you, dude.  While I agree it’s a “numbers game”, sending me a message that you’ve sent to dozens of women makes me feel like the girl at the bar that you’ve decided to talk to at the end of the night (after striking out with my friends).

And while I like to think that these “standards” have helped me weed out some of the crazies or the creepies or the crazy-creepies, I’m still single.  So….

Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!

31 Jan

Since I’ve started online dating (more on that in the future), the weirdest message I’d gotten so far was from a fellow whose main profile pic was a glamour shot of his abs that said “I’m back, baby.  And badder than ever.”  That would’ve been clever and flirty, had we ever exchanged so much as a mutual profile peek.

The other night I received a message from a gent in Illinois that read:

It reads: Hi, I’m really sorry to bother you, and I know this is a strange question, but do you have any experience with women’s pro wrestling? I’m a promoter and have been promoting for a long time now and have been looking for the “perfect face,” and I think you have it! 🙂 Not only are you athletic-looking, but you certainly look like you could carry on an intelligent conversation as well!! Get back with me–like I said, it’s a strange question, yes, but it’s totally legitimate 🙂 Thanks 🙂

My first thought?  Spam.  This guy must also send messages as a Nigerian prince who needs your help getting his money out of his country, just your bank account info will help him out!  But who would make this up?

Then I began to think about it.  If this guy is for real, what am I to take from this?

In sharing this message with my good buddy Marcus, who understands the nuance of online dating, I told him I hadn’t responded because I wasn’t sure if it was a compliment or craziness.

Marcus:  He’s saying you look like a wrestler….maybe Stacy Kiebler?!

me:  or chynna

 Marcus:  Ooh yeah
You’re Chynna
me:  but is that good?
I dunno, folks.  I think it’s safe to say he wasn’t comparing me to a tall drink of water that competed on Dancing with the Stars and that George Clooney is dating.  But being compared to a rather burly female wrestler, who in recent times has been more famous for celebrity rehab and raunchy sex tapes?  I hope he was more going for a HOT MMA fighter like Gina Carano.  Maybe there are other hotties of the professional wrestling world that happen to look like me (short, Jewish, a few extra pounds, curly hair)?
I think the real compliment here is that I am “athletic-looking” (thanks to Jodi for making a face as soon as I told you that)… First time EVER those words have been said in association with my jelly.  And no, I do NOT think the world is ready for this jelly.  Although my glasses do make me seem as though I can carry on an intelligent conversation… I’ll give him that.