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Exist-tension

23 May

The other day I was leaving my job like I always do during the week (as I’m a working stiff).

Workin’ 9 to 5…

I drove up the ramp out of the garage and swiped my badge to get let out of the building.  As I made that motion, with the muscle memory of a motion you make 10 times a week for 3 years, I had a strange feeling, or lack of feeling, wash over me.

It was like déjà vu without déjà vu.  I have been thinking of it as sort of an out-of-body experience wrapped up in a moment of existential whateverness, but I don’t know what it really was.  All I know is it was disconcerting and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Also, do a Google image search for “existential crisis”—you’ll get some interesting results (LOLcats, a hentai-type picture, Pete and Pete pics, hipster Ariel meme, and beardy crazy Joaquin Phoenix).

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Martha F’ing Stewart

9 May

So in an interview with Matt Lauer, Martha Stewart said that she tried to fill out her online dating profile on Match.com because she’s openly seeking a companion.  (Side note: please watch this great SNL video making fun of this fact, if only for Kate McKinnon, my new girl crush.)

Intercourse. It’s a good thing.

Within days, thousands of men, some more serious than others, have signed on to the website to try to date her.  This morning on Today, Martha met two of the guys screened from thousands who seemed pretty OK, actually.  Both were active, average-looking/handsome, philanthropic, career men with hobbies.

Say what you will about Martha Stewart (she’s bitchy, maniacal, anal-retentive, guilty of insider trading), she’s a very powerful businesswoman who has cultivated a life that she wants and is trying to make that life available to others (at participating store locations).

I respect that and the work she’s put into her empire.  I also think that everyone deserves to have a companion, so it’s nice that she’s getting back out there.

But I can’t help but also be angry (OK, angry may be a bit strong… miffed) that it’s coming this goddamn easily to her.  I don’t get thousands of inquiries!  I don’t get to have people screen and search for me so I can close my eyes and pick someone who likely won’t be too fucked up to have a few dates with!  I don’t have millions of dollars!  Yes, she worked her way up and deserves nice things, but damnit, does it have to be SO easy for her?!

It’s the Little Things/Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

30 Apr

My life is ruled by a constant tug o’ war between two clichéd sayings — “It’s the little things in life” and “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

In trying to both delight in the small stuff and not let it get me down, I find myself rather conflicted and both in awe of and dragged down by the little things.  I shall now present you with examples from different areas of life…

Music:

There is nothing like the exact right song coming on the radio—be it a good dance tune or a song you haven’t heard since a middle school dance (“Tootsie Roll” anyone?) or one you didn’t even know was exactly right for your mood.

There is also no frustration like there being absolutely nothing on the radio.  Doesn’t it always happen when you’re in traffic?  Either it’s too much talking or lame commercials (I don’t care about the “smell good plumbers” or cheap auto insurance for risky drivers thankyouverymuch) or that overplayed song that you know won’t leave your head!

Food:

I am a person who likes to save a “good bite” for last so that’s the taste I have in my mouth when I’m done eating.  If you’ve sat down to a meal with me you know that I like to prepare my food first (rather than cut/sauce and eat as I go), so I often have the last bite kinda planned.  (OMG, you are saying to yourself, how can she still be single?!)  So when I have that last yummy bite at the end of my meal, that’s truly contentment.

You ever go to take that last bite and have it fall off the plate onto a table that is borderline clean?  That’s a big fucking bummer.

Appearance:

A good hair day can fix almost anything.  “Well, at least I’m having a good hair day” is a phrase that I find myself saying all of the time.  Shitty day at work?  “Well, at least I’m having a good hair day.”  Horrible traffic to get home from said shitty day at work?  “Well, at least I’m having a good hair day.”

Conversely, a bad hair day can just deflate the ego like a popped Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon.  “Great job on that report!”  Internally, “That’s great.  Too bad I’m having a shitty hair day.”

Grammar and Spelling:

I’m not perfect with my grammar, but I admire people who do use the rules of grammar correctly or at least make an attempt, especially in public speaking or professional discourse.  A mucky muck in my department uses the correct plural of the word “forum”—rather than saying “forums” (which is colloquially correct, I guess, but not technically) he says “fora” (the correct word).  This grammatical correctness makes me so excited.  Like when someone uses “whom” or a semicolon correctly.  NERD.

On the other hand, when someone puts an errant apostrophe or unnecessary quotes or makes a glaring spelling error in a sign or on a menu (or worse, an online dating profile!), I just get sad.  I don’t get angry anymore (am I moving through the stages of grief?), but I just have a little “awww, bummer” moment in my head.

Devolve With Me!

4 Apr

I believe in evolution! Yes, I know that as a liberal, in my liberal part of one of the most liberal states of in our nation that may be taboo to say, but by God I believe!

That being said, I think we’ve stopped evolving.

Think about what you know about evolution: survival of the fittest. Mutations that help a species survive and adapt.

Or this!!!

Or this!!!

Now think about our world: Jackass was a very popular TV show. People copycat them. Idiots are reproducing. Everyone is allergic to everything.

Good Idea...???

Good Idea…???

Put that all together and……..crap!

The Jackasses:

Some people in this world are idiots. Drunk idiots. They put themselves in danger and get themselves hurt.

Why is this a problem?

Because we keep saving them!

Lets take this guy out of today and put him with the cavemen. This is the same caveman that would go and distract the woolly mammoth while the rest of the cavemen would stab it with spears. Needless to say, they probably didn’t live very long. Yes, they served an important purpose, but their genetic predisposition to commit idiocy will threaten the future.

Survival of the fittest would dictate that by letting these idiots die, our gene pool would eventually empty of idiots and we’d be left with mostly those with common sense. But we keep keeping them alive! So now they can live long unfulfilling lives, filled with car surfing, jumping off shit, and putting fireworks in their butts.

Thanks YouTube for the easily acquired examples!

The Breeders:

I know what you may be thinking, “Don’t make fun of the idiots. They don’t know any better.” By the way, I’m assuming those kind loving readers are few and far between. Most of you may be thinking, “Idiots should be sterilized.” 

But therein lies the problem, “How do we know if we’re idiots? Who should be sterilized?”

How about stupid people who are having WAY too many offspring.

Humans can have litters??

Humans can have litters??

Honestly, I don’t know anything about 19 Kids and Counting which may be good, because that means they haven’t unleashed their football teams worth of family drama on the world. Even so…19 KIDS!!! I hope at the very least, they lose some kids to the harsh winters or dysentery!

Anyhoo, those F-ING Gosselins! Yes, the Gosselins are an easy target, but I think they’re the perfect example. Years ago, Jon and Kate had two children. But they wanted one more. Neither had a college degree or a job that gave them much. Then suddenly they had 8 kids. So they sold their story to Discovery Channel and you know the rest; Jon’s a douchebag and Kate’s a wreck.

Livin' it up in Reality TV Hell

Livin’ it up in Reality TV Hell

And who’s gonna pay for it? Their 8 kids. Yup, they will each get 1/8th of their parents attention or most likely less since Jon and Kate are running around trying to afford 8 kids. I don’t think they can afford higher education for eight 18 year-olds roughly around the same time.

Now two idiots have released 8 future idiots on the world. And hey, maybe their kids will each have 8 kids and so on and so forth until “Gosselin” is synonymous with “Locust.”

The Allergic:

I work at a restaurant in an upper middle class/lower upper class area. So needless to say, I hear all about peoples diets and their allergies.

Here’s a list of allergies I’ve dealt with: peanuts, almonds, cashews, any nuts, wheat, soy, chicken, AVOCADOS (me) and onions. On top of that, most of the same people are vegetarian, vegan, pescetarian, Atkins diet, South Beach diet, Paleo diet, and many are suffering from celiac (but not really).

This is getting ridiculous!

As far as food preference people, you’re just being difficult. A lot of times the ingredients are listed in the description, read the menu before you ask questions. If you can’t eat it, move on; whether it be to the next item or another restaurant.

Those with allergies…I’m sorry to tell you this, Mother Nature doesn’t want you alive! You have been given the inability to consume a particular item and remain alive. Evolution would dictate that you eat the cursed food, die, and keep your weak-ass genes out of the pool. I’m no exception, I’m allergic to walnuts and possibly avocados. But unlike others, my allergy merely makes me uncomfortable, not dead.

You hear that? It's Death and he wants to be in your mouth.

You hear that? It’s Death and he wants to be in your mouth.

Conclusion:

I know this all may sound cruel, it may sound mean, and I may sound unscientific, but that’s only because it IS!

Evolution isn’t kind, or nice, or even picky! It doesn’t judge, like, or dislike—it kills!

Sorry, unicorn. You live in the forest and you’re bright and shiny! GTFO!!!

Panda, you’re lazy and need instruction on how to have sex, you’re Next!

SadPanUni

Nature kills what isn’t necessary, but we are saving and breeding more unnecessary people than what nature would kill. Thus evolution stops.

So screw it! The human race is doomed to become hypochondriac idiots anyways, so go out into the world, have fun, and die!

“I (Don’t) Love L.A.!”

2 Apr

The following post is written by our new contributor, Jack West.  He may be a cranky young man, but he’s got a point…

Allowing the barriers and structures created by parents, administrators and society to be broken down by previous bouts with both natural and chemical psychedelics, leading my aching manhood down a path of enlightenment only to find the true lubricant for such genius is conflict, brings me screaming back to home, Los Angeles.

With a creative bone protruding out from my shorts (never wear shorts, no one will take you seriously), I have concluded that the place I must remain for the next few years is L.A. How much I hate this city can only be compared to any other writer whom has ever had an issue with the place where they were pussy-farted into the world from. As much as I hate to state or declare any place my home, this is where I was born and I sure-as-shit hope I don’t die here.

Do any of you have any idea what it is like to grow up in a place like L.A.? Oh, that’s right, of course not, no one is from here. Though you all seem to manage to fit in so perfectly.

The Hipster “Actor/Artists” listening to re-vamped trip-hop and YMCMB on replay in Silverlake and Echo Park.

The Scenesters hitting up clubs in Hollywood and DTLA.

The health- freaks in Brentwood and Santa Monica.

The Persian “Rug Merchants” in Beverly Hills.

What we find ourselves with is this lovely melting pot of people you want nothing to do with. Not because you have anything truly against them, it’s just that none of them are from here.

They complain about the stuff that naturally happens. Floridians don’t complain about hurricanes, New Yorkers don’t complain about the snow. L.A. has fucking traffic, it is just one of those things to plan around, find a secret short-cut.

Another thing, everyone complains that no one in L.A. can drive in the damn rain. But if it rains more often everywhere else and no one is from L.A., then why can’t YOU drive in the damn rain?

The mind, as it has been said, is a terrible thing to waste. I completely agree. In my case, I feel it is my mind that is wasting me and my energy frivolously, leaving me just exhausted enough after a mundane day at work to bring a pipe to my lips and suck out the creamy goodness from its glassy center, or the rich brown smoothness of a libation fit for royalty. When in this state of good vibrations, I inexplicably shift from a caring narcissist to a selfish narcissist, spewing whatever bodily fluid that wants out first onto any of the number of unsuspecting victims residing in our fair city.

With that being said, here is a tip. Keep smiling, because people out here feed off of bullshit, hence the “shit-eating grin” so perfectly plastered to everyone’s fake face. It becomes, almost, something to laugh at, which makes the smiling that much easier. Shine them those pearly whites, because you can know that unless they start fucking someone wealthy or become a superstar because they were recognized from a casting couch, they will probably be on the way back to the tiny Podunk town from whence they came faster than a politician with blow heading to a free brothel.

The bleak and the mistreated, also known as actors, are akin to the rats of New York, they are everywhere. A friend said earlier “I go anywhere in the country, people are impressed that I’m an actor. In L.A., you are treated like shit.” This comes from a working actor, not from a F.O.B. (Fresh Off the Bus). This city cares not for any of its inhabitants, so why should I. None of you are real anyway. If you aren’t from here, you’ve come here to reinvent yourself. If you are from here, you know everything and are a jaded and callous asshole just like me.

You will be stuck in the same miserable shit storm that I’ve experienced and dealt with my whole wasted life.

Enjoy the traffic 🙂

-J.W.