Tag Archives: dating

Martha F’ing Stewart

9 May

So in an interview with Matt Lauer, Martha Stewart said that she tried to fill out her online dating profile on Match.com because she’s openly seeking a companion.  (Side note: please watch this great SNL video making fun of this fact, if only for Kate McKinnon, my new girl crush.)

Intercourse. It’s a good thing.

Within days, thousands of men, some more serious than others, have signed on to the website to try to date her.  This morning on Today, Martha met two of the guys screened from thousands who seemed pretty OK, actually.  Both were active, average-looking/handsome, philanthropic, career men with hobbies.

Say what you will about Martha Stewart (she’s bitchy, maniacal, anal-retentive, guilty of insider trading), she’s a very powerful businesswoman who has cultivated a life that she wants and is trying to make that life available to others (at participating store locations).

I respect that and the work she’s put into her empire.  I also think that everyone deserves to have a companion, so it’s nice that she’s getting back out there.

But I can’t help but also be angry (OK, angry may be a bit strong… miffed) that it’s coming this goddamn easily to her.  I don’t get thousands of inquiries!  I don’t get to have people screen and search for me so I can close my eyes and pick someone who likely won’t be too fucked up to have a few dates with!  I don’t have millions of dollars!  Yes, she worked her way up and deserves nice things, but damnit, does it have to be SO easy for her?!


Dating IRL: Asking Out a Date

25 Apr

Unlike online dating, real life dating can be tricky. (WOW! That’s a false statement!)

Even though there are lots of pitfalls of dating outside of a dating website, the first pitfall that usually happens is knowing if the meeting is actually a date. So:

How should I ask someone out?

Am old enough to date?

Am I old enough to date?

In order to make this as easy as possible, I’ve created a dialogue to help you through date requisition:

Hello [date target’s name]. Would you like to go out on a date with me?

Now it may seem awkward and forced to say the words “Go Out” or “Date,” but trust me, these words will make it known that you want to see this person in a romantic way. You don’t need to use both phrases, one will suffice. You may also use, “Take you out” or “Buy you dinner.” If you don’t say these words, you and your target won’t know if the rendezvous is a date or simply a friendly meeting. 

Possible Responses: “Yes” or “No”

If No, end dialogue. Turn, walk away.

If Yes:

“When are you free?”

Making a preliminary plan is a sign of commitment to the Romantic Rendezvous and that you are not a flake.

Possible Response(s): “I am free on [specified time].”

If the specified time is acceptable, move to last dialogue point.

If the specified time is unacceptable, try:

“[Alternate time] would be acceptable for me.”

Options: decide on location, activity, and/or budget of Romantic Rendezvous.

Continue this scheduling for as long as needed. When scheduling is concluded:

Acceptable, this [date] at [time].

Acquire adequate contact information, smile, turn, walk away.

This should conclude “How to ask for a date.”

Now, go forth and make your romantic intentions known!

My 2012 (Tax) Year in Review!

16 Apr

So, it’s tax week! Hopefully most of you didn’t wait till the last second to file them, but really, better late than never!

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While reviewing my year in bank/credit statements and calendar events, I suddenly got very nostalgic. I didn’t realize how much of my life is tracked by my use of money and car.


The beginning of 2012 is boring!


Pasadena to film Happy Endings (the TV show not the massage parlor option (if it was the massage parlor option…eww, filming?)).


Sell old car, buy new CAR!!!!


The bachelor party! Not mine, but I planned one. Skeet shooting, large quantities of meat, and lots of alcohol. Thankfully, no purchases from “illicit establishments.” We were trying to keep it classy.

That was followed by purchasing a suit for the wedding. A nice charcoal. Which was great because I needed a new suit. I paid with a check to have it altered.

Best day of the year: Record radio commercial in Santa Monica, Audition in Miracle Mile, Philly Cheese Steak, Record cartoon at Nickelodeon.


Then off to DC for the wedding. Purchases at the Smithsonian, a metro pass, Whole Foods, spy museum, National Art Gallery. I got to know the town a little better. The day of the wedding no purchases until I bought the groom’s grandfather a Makers Mark at the hotel bar.

Back home. I went on a date to see Cabin in the Woods. Great movie. The date was promising. I was excited to see how the next one would go.


Off to Scottsdale, AZ. Not a purchase, but my friends and I spent much of the first night vacuuming bugs and killing scorpions. Gas, bars, karaoke bar. In Phoenix at Alice Cooperstown we ordered “The Big Unit” because it’s fun to say.

Get back home, go on a second “date.” I put date in quotes because she failed to mention at the beginning of the date that she had met someone. I deal with it well, if not kindly… Basically, I was an asshole. But I’m pretty sure I had just cause. 

Then Comic-Con! Hang out with nerds, friends, nerd-friends, see panels of shows I love, forget about the bad date, drink myself silly every night! Good trip!


Get home, I go out on an OKCupid date. It goes well, really well. We go out again, and again, and again. L.A. County Fair. She meets my friends. More dates.


This girl could be something!

Then she stops it. I delete our text history.


Acting class! New friends, back to work! Expensive, but worth it!

Meet a friend of a friend at a birthday. Meet again. We go on Halloween Hay Ride. It goes well.


My birthday! Drinks and late night pastrami! I have incredible friends!

Second date, she’s late, she’s high, she’s petty, mean, judgmental. Not of me, but of everyone else. But I ask her out again.


She flakes on our third date.

She texts me a few days later. I text back. She doesn’t respond. She gets mad at me for not texting back and begins to text bomb me with angry messages. I send one text and end whatever the hell kind of “relationship” two dates is. I block her number.

Buy a bottle of Jack at CVS…for New Year’s! With people, not just me. That would be a sad way to end the year! Me drinking alone…

What this all means:

I guess I’ve learned that the bad memories are the most vivid and the good ones are a blur.

So, thank you 2012 for everything. The good and the bad. 

…And also for not killing us like the Mayans said.

Love Is a Smartphone App

28 Mar

A few weekends ago I went to a performance by a band that performs klezmer music in Yiddish and English—they describe themselves as “Yiddish cabaret punk” and it’s a disturbingly accurate description of their genre.  As a special guest there was a delightful Russian fellow who opened the show with a song with the line “love is a smartphone app.”  Everyone chuckled, because the rest of the song was pretty quaint and klezmery and this modern line popped up unexpectedly.  “There’s an app for that” may not be used in commercials anymore, but it’s certainly something I find myself saying, obnoxiously.  And when it comes to dating, of course, there’s an app for that.

But anything is better than video dating, right?

While I don’t use apps like Grindr or Crazy Blind Date because they are, oh, I dunno, creepy (and I watch a lot of Law &Order: SVU, I embrace the intersection of dating and modern technology.  As remarkably shitty as it can be for finding people interested in serious relationships (see previous and, let’s face it, future rants, I mean posts), technology has helped me immensely in dating.  “Hookup culture” crap exists and is perpetuated by dating via the interwebs (see this NYTimes article that sums it up for me), but let’s not throw out the baby with the bathwater.

Before online dating, and in the actual real world of 3D people, shy people were and are relegated to their shy corners where they were shy and alone.  But like I often lament, that fact is that men don’t know where I live, so they aren’t going to just find me.  And if I’m at a party or a bar, I’m most likely the one standing to the side with my drink, sweating, or saying something lame to a guy while sweating.  Enter the internet, where I can instantly use the wit and charm that would eventually come out once I got to know someone.

“Dear John…”

14 Mar

Look [insert name here], I like hanging out with you, but” is never how you want a text message to start.  Let alone the latest in what feels like the bajillionth text message of this type you’ve received from a man in the past few years.

Here we go again.

Another “not actually a relationship” is over, again.  A lack of true romantic compatibility has now become too glaringly evident to keep ignoring.  Another “I don’t know how to say this but I’ve actually started seeing someone.”  Life is not Friends With Benefits—the damaged girl doesn’t get Justin Timberlake.  When people stop just “hanging out” or “hooking up” it’s not because they’ve magically fallen in love with the other person and they are now “boyfriend and girlfriend” or “engaged”.  They stop because one of them has found something more desirable (an actual relationship?) and moves on.  Sometimes it happens simultaneously for both people or they have another person in the on deck circle to lessen the blow.  Sometimes people decide they’d rather not go on that way and think it better to be singly single.

It was either Sigmund Freud or Captain Kangaroo who said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results.” (Actually, I’ve learned the quote is from a Narcotics Anonymous text, and not from Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or any of the aforementioned.)

Sometimes you just have decide to stop the insanity.  Easier said than done, right?