Archive | Seriously?! RSS feed for this section

The Three Hardest Forrest Gump Trivia Questions!

7 May

I was recently sitting at a Bubba Gump Shrimp and watching the infinite loop of the film, Forrest Gump. If you haven’t been there before, its a Forrest Gump-themed restaurant where the servers occasionally ask you Forrest Gump trivia.

Forrest Gump

Spoiler alert!

If you haven’t seen the movie, go back under your rock and watch it. It’s a good flick! 

So I was trying to think of trivia questions they don’t ask. Suddenly, the questions just popped into my head.

1) How does Jenny die?

Times up!

Its AIDS!

If you guessed that correctly, Good Job! The next one is multiple choice!

2) When did she contract it?

A) Was it before she raped the retarded guy in his childhood bedroom?

Thus giving Forrest AIDS, too.

B) After having sex with Forrest, but before learning of her pregnancy with Forrest’s child?

Thus giving her child AIDS.

Or

C) After giving birth to Forrest’s child and after weaning him off beast milk?

Thus avoiding giving anyone AIDS! That is…until she and Forrest got married and most likely had unprotected sex.

bubba

Finally…

3) Which is the saddest possible answer to question #2?

After all his accomplishments, war valor, and achieving things greater than anyone (regardless of mental capacity) could have hoped for, the thing to destroy him is his love of a woman. Every possible answer to #2 ultimately results in Jenny killing Forrest Gump with AIDS! And in two possibilities, Forrest Jr. may have aids too.

allihaveto

Target Employees Locked-In: A Bad “Career Opportunity”

28 Jan

I recently read this article about Target stores in Minneapolis and St.Paul that were locking their night shift cleaning crews IN the store.

You read that correctly, they were locking IN staff members. “Why?” You ask. Probably, because they don’t want people loading stuff into trucks late at night and just taking off. It’s called “stealing” people, use your heads. Even so, you don’t lock them in for 8 hours an hope nothing goes wrong. Like say a fire or natural disaster. That’s called “negligence” and that will cost more in a lawsuit than stealing.

And that’s why the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (or OSHA), a federal agency that enforces health and safety regulations, was asked to step in.

Now, I personally had an issue with OSHA, mostly because they said I couldn’t operate a forklift while wearing sandals. Having said that, blah-dee-blah-blah-blah—

This is the plot of 1991’s Career Opportunities!

1991-career-opportunities-poster1

Remember, with that dude Frank Whaley and Jennifer Connelly right after she realized how bad her unibrow looked??

The whole plot is almost this exact situation! The main character is the night-shift  janitor that purposely gets locked inside a Target! It literally takes place at Target! As if John Hughes himself worked at a Target and got locked in, and this was his way of filing an OSHA complaint.

In fact, the real life situation was actually better than the film situation because they had a manager in the store. In the movie, the guy was completely alone and had to fight off robbers! Then again, the real life situation didn’t have Jennifer Connelly, so that has to count for something.

Without her it would be more like this:

Starring Target spokesperson Molly Snyder and locked-in janitor Honorio Hernandez

A new comedy from John Hughes:

career-opportunities2

Coincidentally, Honorio has the same hair as Frank Whaley.

Vaginatarian

14 Jan

**There are really no SFW images for this post…so y’all get lots of words!

 

It was Christmas weekend.  That fact actually adds nothing to my story except for maybe an explanation of the “good will towards man” feeling I had—not exactly holiday spirit, but I was looking forward to spending time with my surrogate family for an early Christmas celebration.  As I sat in my car at the intersection of Hollywood and Highland, waiting for the light to change, I saw a bumper sticker that has bothered me since… “Vaginatarian“… White serif letters on a light blue/teal background, the sticker was the only one affixed to the back left bumper of a truck monstrosity.  I say monstrosity because it wasn’t one of those “I legitimately need to haul shit” trucks, but some sort of hideously designed gas-guzzler that adds nothing to the world except for lameness.

My immediate reaction was thinking that I must have read the word wrong.  Maybe “Vegetarian”?  My second reaction, upon rereading, was that at least it was unique and not a play on the word “pussy” or “beaver” or something—I wasn’t sure yet if it was funny or offensive.  As I stared at the sticker, a mild harumph came across my face.  I was determined to look at the driver as I drove past—assess based on stereotypical first impressions of whoever would have that sticker.  “Please be a lesbian.  Please be a lesbian.  Please be a lesbian,” I said to myself as I began to roll past the driver.  Nope, just a regular ol’ bro dude driver.  There was a woman in the passenger seat, maybe children in the back, I couldn’t see.  As assumptions based on stereotypes go, I’d imagine that this car belonged to the dude driver, and that that man was a straight dude, not a lesbian, as I had hoped.

Why had I hoped for a lesbian driver?  Somehow a lesbian putting up a “Vaginatarian” bumper sticker would seem like a fuck you to homophobes and conservatives.  A crude joke, nonetheless, but at least not another in a long line of jokes about men’s virility.  It would’ve been more like a rainbow flag or something to let people know, “Hey, I’m super gay and I don’t care who knows it”.  I knew a girl who had the word “dyke” tattooed on her arm—I always felt like the tattoo was a way to sort of shock everyone into not being shocked by it.  You sort of examine why the word seeing the word displayed proudly is unusual to you and realize it shouldn’t be because, whatever the label, people are people.

So why the harumph?  Well, I’m tired of misogyny in the “women as things to be consumed” category.  Women aren’t like food to be eaten.  They are not inanimate objects to be eaten up by men or anyone else (even another woman).  I mean, the guy didn’t have a sticker that said “I Heart Cunnilingus”, it was about him EATING vaginas, exclusively.  Which by comparison kinda means that “Penisaterians” (“Cockatarians”? “Dickatarians”?) are the dreaded “other”.  So does that mean straight women aren’t as good as straight male vaginatarians?  What about gay men?  And lesbians?  Does he purport to eat their vaginas, too?  Can they join his club too since they eat vaginas?  And was this the only sticker on his car because it’s the most important club he can belong to?!

I know I sound like one of them hairy-legged feminists that hates men and has no sense of humor, but I really just have a sense of humor that’s evolved past college bro dude level.

All in favor of an “I Heart Cunnilingus” bumper sticker say “Aye”…

A Rose Is A Rose Is A Rose

8 Jan

WARNING: Vehement anger, foul language, and hyperlinks are used in this post.

Rape is rape is rape is rape.  That’s it.  That’s fucking it.  No room for debate.  None of this “Legitimate Rape”, “Date Rape”, “Gray Rape”, “Acquaintance Rape”, “Marital Rape” bullshit.  Rape is rape.  If a man has sex with a woman against her will in any way, it’s rape (and vice versa, too—guys get raped).  It doesn’t matter how loudly or how many times she says no, if she’s dressed slutty, if she fucked twenty guys earlier that night, if the guy’s her husband or boyfriend, if he’s a first date or a stranger—”no” is “no”.

There’s also a law that if a woman thinks she is sleeping with someone and is actually sleeping with someone else (i.e. sex by deception, when a man pretends to be a woman’s husband in a dark bedroom) that crime can be prosecuted as rape.  Notice I said “husband“?  In California, unmarried women are shit out of goddamn luck if someone pretends to be their boyfriend in bed and rapes them.  Only husbands.

This giant logical gap in the law was recently brought to my attention when this antiquated law (literally antiquated, it was put on the books in 1872), was actually used to overturn a rape conviction.  Apparently the state of California is in denial that people don’t get married once they meet one another and sometimes co-habitate (and even fornicate, gasp!) before marriage?  The state is trying to catch up to the times in terms of laws relating to rape (like taking out the stipulation that it has to be by physical force, when there are other kinds of force like coercion, intimidation, etc.), yet this law persists…  I believe judges and juries should follow the laws of the city/county/state/country in which they preside, but the Dudette can’t abide by this.

We live in a country where people still think a husband legally can’t be guilty of raping his wife.  Where victims, nay, SURVIVORS of rape are blamed for the violence against them (did she really say no? how many times and how loudly? she was drinking, she didn’t look THAT drunk, she was dressed like a slut, she’s had one-night stands).  Where the Violence Against Women Act isn’t renewed—and I gotta tell ya, it’s not like it’s a bill that is actually about taxes on sugary soda or something, it’s about just that, protecting women from violence.  Where photos of a rape in progress go viral (and little assholes post videos of themselves laughing about it) and only after a blogger outs the situation is police action taken.  A country where an elected official has the gall to say that there is such thing as legitimate rape (as opposed to faux rape, I suppose, which sounds eerily like a dumb fashion trend) and that is the only case where abortion is necessary—but don’t worry folks, the female reproductive system has countermeasures to protect against pregnancy in those cases, so no abortion needed!

I really think that Tina Fey, the spirit animal for modern feminists, nailed a big part of the issue with our nation’s views on rape:

As angry as I get, I am more scared than anything.  That I can’t count on the law to be on my side** and that I can’t be sure I won’t be in that awful position.

**Side note, did you know that in 31 states a rapist can claim custody and visitation rights for a child who is the product of rape?  Makes complete sense, right?

Al(Gore) Jazeera

7 Jan

WHY AL GORE???!!!!!

Cgfye

No, not that!

You sold CurrentTV to Al Jazeera? DAMMIT!

You’re not the only one who owns or makes decisions regarding CurrentTV? I DON’T CARE!

Former CBS News producer and a media expert Rory O’Connor calls Al Jazeera’s English broadcast “excellent”? STFU!!!

It doesn’t matter what you say! Do know what you’ve done?? You just started the Conservative Hate Train and it’s heading straight for Liberal Town!!!

steam-engine-4

Next stop HuffingTown! Then…TO THE FUTURE!!!

On FOX News, Bill O’Reilly will spin this to look like ABC Family was sold to the Nazi Party (overused and cliché, sorry).

You’ve sold all of us liberals out! Sure, we were feeling a little cocky, but this is too much!

This will be a Republican call to arms! Of course…everything that they don’t like is a call to arms, affront to America, or War on Religion.

BUT that’s not the point! Conservatives see Al Jazeera as the voice of Al Qaeda and the Taliban; or, what Fox News is to the Republican party.

You’ve FUCKED us Al Gore! Now I can’t prance about with my liberal junk waving in the breeze, because you decided to sell a not widely watched basic cable channel to “terrorists”.