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Pass the ‘Tang

21 May

I was recently at a friend’s party. Coincidentally, one of her co-workers was a friend back from my days in education (as a student, but the way I said it makes me sound more professional). How to describe our relationship is interesting because there really isn’t one. We were friends, I guess. Every time we used to talk at school her body language was always very flirty, which would be great…if I wanted to hook up with her. Look, don’t get me wrong she’s a nice girl, but—to quote a book/movie I’ve never seen—I’m just not that into her.

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And she’s also kinda stupid.

But seeing as we were at a party and I was a wee bit drunk, her a bit more so, I thought, “I’m in a drought, it would be so easy to just ask her out and get some poon!” I also discovered that I use the word “poon” in my head when I’m drunk. Luckily, calmer heads prevailed (pun intended, ladies (women love puns, guys)). I did not ask her out and I have remained sexless since then.

The End.

NAH, that’s not the end.

Apparently, she was very drunk and ended up having sex with some random dude at the party in a bathroom! So the way I see it, if I had asked her out, I would have had an insanely bruised ego when I found out the next day she was too drunk to remember me asking her out before she gave her poon-hole to some guy. CRISIS AVERTED!

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Thank you fate for helping me avoid listening to Billie Holiday and crying into my pillow while eating ice cream!

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A Question About “Back to the Future”

14 May

So, I’m assuming that you all have seen Back to the Future. If you haven’t, there will be some spoilers (can they really be called spoilers if the movie came out 23 years ago?).

In 1955, George McFly (Marty’s father) is tormented by Biff Tannen.

biff-tannen

In 1985, George McFly is tormented by Biff Tannen.

1985

In alternate 1985, George McFly has been murdered by Biff Tannen.

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In 2015, Marty Jr., (Marty’s son) is tormented by Griff Tannen (Biff Tannen’s grandson).

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In 1885, Sheamus McFly, is intimidated by Buford “Mad Dog” Tannen (Biff’s Great Grandfather)

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So the question is…

Who is Marty’s version of Biff? Does he just go around with no one to torment his daily life? Perhaps Biff’s son is already older than Marty. Maybe that Tannen tormented Marty’s older brother and sister.

Or maybe it was this guy:

What are you looking at, Butthead??

What are you looking at, Butthead??

The Three Hardest Forrest Gump Trivia Questions!

7 May

I was recently sitting at a Bubba Gump Shrimp and watching the infinite loop of the film, Forrest Gump. If you haven’t been there before, its a Forrest Gump-themed restaurant where the servers occasionally ask you Forrest Gump trivia.

Forrest Gump

Spoiler alert!

If you haven’t seen the movie, go back under your rock and watch it. It’s a good flick! 

So I was trying to think of trivia questions they don’t ask. Suddenly, the questions just popped into my head.

1) How does Jenny die?

Times up!

Its AIDS!

If you guessed that correctly, Good Job! The next one is multiple choice!

2) When did she contract it?

A) Was it before she raped the retarded guy in his childhood bedroom?

Thus giving Forrest AIDS, too.

B) After having sex with Forrest, but before learning of her pregnancy with Forrest’s child?

Thus giving her child AIDS.

Or

C) After giving birth to Forrest’s child and after weaning him off beast milk?

Thus avoiding giving anyone AIDS! That is…until she and Forrest got married and most likely had unprotected sex.

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Finally…

3) Which is the saddest possible answer to question #2?

After all his accomplishments, war valor, and achieving things greater than anyone (regardless of mental capacity) could have hoped for, the thing to destroy him is his love of a woman. Every possible answer to #2 ultimately results in Jenny killing Forrest Gump with AIDS! And in two possibilities, Forrest Jr. may have aids too.

allihaveto

My Life is Awesomely Delusional!

2 May

I watch too many movies. Possibly, too many BAD movies and I watched them from a young age. So I’ve come to the realization that I must remind myself that my daily life is not a movie. It’s not like I go around like an honest cop with nothing to lose or a spunky investigative journalist looking for love. There are just moments where the first thought that pops into my head are movie clichés rather than real life possibilities.

At the bar:

I was at a college bar and a girl ran into me. She was cute and innocent, but not naïve. She said, “Excuse me, I’m sorry” and then walked off.  So obviously, SHE WAS A PICKPOCKET! Ah yes, rather than chat and flirt with her like a normally libido-ed man, I checked my wallet to make sure she didn’t get 33 bucks and a Chili’s gift card with $7.64 left on it. What college girl learns to pick pockets?

This Girl!

This Girl!

I felt for my wallet, found it, then looked back at her walking away and thought, “What’s your game? What are you really after?” It was like the hot female version of Oliver and I was the mark. But what if she were Catwoman and instead of taking something, she was planting something so she could seduce me and take it back later? Sadly, she’d probably just take me into an alley with promises of fellating me and instead crack my head against a wall and take it back from my jacket pocket. Then she’d put my hat over my eyes and people would think I was drunk and leave me alone.

The Men’s Room:

Occasionally, I’m alone in a public bathroom. It’s really great. I can just pee and pee and there’s no one to judge me for it. When I’m done, I wash my hands (like everyone should, you gross-ass mother fuckers!!!). While rinsing, a man walks in, I glance at him through the mirror as he walks to the urinals. I finish rinsing, dry my hands and walk out. That’s it.

BUT! In my head, he turns from the urinals with a Desert Eagle and begins firing at me, but I’m too quick. I rip the towel dispenser off the wall and throw it at him. It distracts him for just long enough so I can rush him and we get into a no holds barred fight. Soon, stall doors are torn off their hinges, broken porcelain litters the floor, and pee pee water is spraying from pipes ripped from the walls. Then I’d give him a swirly in a toilet bowl and say something like “You’re Number 2.”

Who does #2 work for??

Who does #2 work for??

Examples of what my bathroom trips are like:

True LiesCasino RoyaleEastern PromisesHarry Potter

Walking down a dark street:

Sometimes in L.A. it’s night. No, it’s not all sunshine and milkshakes with strippers like you see on TV.

And when it’s night, I become the night!

Perhaps I’m leaving a bar and heading to my car. There I am walking down a dark residential street. The moon shines through the branches of the trees. The sound of my shoes clack on the sidewalk. But what is that? A second set of footsteps! I take an unnecessary left turn at the next street. Hide just around the corner. Nothing.

No, really nothing. There was no person. It was probably an echo or a branch or…something. So I walk back to the street I unnecessarily turned on and walk another block to my car.

But what it would have been like was The Departed! Weaving and ducking between buildings! Who’s following who? And what danger is behind that dumpster? Since I don’t know, I pretend I’m a spy. I duck behind trees and hide in the shadows. It gets awkward when others aren’t in on it.

Fuck You random guy and your tiny dog!

Fuck you random guy and your tiny dog!

Dating IRL: Asking Out a Date

25 Apr

Unlike online dating, real life dating can be tricky. (WOW! That’s a false statement!)

Even though there are lots of pitfalls of dating outside of a dating website, the first pitfall that usually happens is knowing if the meeting is actually a date. So:

How should I ask someone out?

Am old enough to date?

Am I old enough to date?

In order to make this as easy as possible, I’ve created a dialogue to help you through date requisition:

Hello [date target’s name]. Would you like to go out on a date with me?

Now it may seem awkward and forced to say the words “Go Out” or “Date,” but trust me, these words will make it known that you want to see this person in a romantic way. You don’t need to use both phrases, one will suffice. You may also use, “Take you out” or “Buy you dinner.” If you don’t say these words, you and your target won’t know if the rendezvous is a date or simply a friendly meeting. 

Possible Responses: “Yes” or “No”

If No, end dialogue. Turn, walk away.

If Yes:

“When are you free?”

Making a preliminary plan is a sign of commitment to the Romantic Rendezvous and that you are not a flake.

Possible Response(s): “I am free on [specified time].”

If the specified time is acceptable, move to last dialogue point.

If the specified time is unacceptable, try:

“[Alternate time] would be acceptable for me.”

Options: decide on location, activity, and/or budget of Romantic Rendezvous.

Continue this scheduling for as long as needed. When scheduling is concluded:

Acceptable, this [date] at [time].

Acquire adequate contact information, smile, turn, walk away.

This should conclude “How to ask for a date.”

Now, go forth and make your romantic intentions known!