Tag Archives: hump day

Caff-fiend

9 Jan

I have only begun to drink coffee in the past 6-8 months or so.  Before then, I’d drink bottled iced tea in the mornings (not that sweetened Snapple shit, but the weak, pre-made stuff).  Sometimes, if I was feeling particularly groggy (or worried about having too much self-esteem) I’d dare to crack open a Diet Coke in the mornings instead.  The usually satisfying sound of soda can shpritzing open gets a sickeningly trashy tinge when you open it before 9:30am.  It feels so stereotypically “American” that I get a little shame with my caramel coloring and aspartame.

So with nights not getting any longer and my job still requiring me to be a human most of the day, I decided to start drinking coffee.  I love the smell of coffee but I’ve found the taste takes some getting used to.  I put in these little non-dairy creamers that taste like “caramel macchiato” (those are actually air quotes because it really just tastes like sweet-ish nothingness—it’s not bad, it just is a far cry from anything that I’d call either caramel or macchiato)…  But when I happen to forget the little creamer packets I have to use the powder shit.

I don’t always drink coffee, but when I do I make sure you can’t tell it is actually coffee.

Powdered non-dairy creamer is the lowest of the low when it comes to coffee accoutrements.  I’m sure an Intelligentsia barista would shit his skinny jeans if he saw me putting it in my coffee (if he hadn’t already passed out at the fact that I got the coffee from a Keurig machine AND that I poured cold water in to cool it off).   That the powder looks like pure cocaine doesn’t help its cause either.  Putting cocaine-looking sugar crap into a legal drug of caffeine isn’t much better than Diet Coke, when you get down to it, but I do feel so much more grown-up.  Isn’t there something so adult about coffee breath?

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Diet Coke[aine]

9 Jan

Recently, a person almost ruined Diet Coke for me. I wont say their name, partially to protect their anonymity and mostly to protect myself from murder charges.

I love Diet Coke. I even have secret meetings with a few friends where we talk about how much we love Diet Coke. Right, Ally?

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I accidentally French Kissed my screen just now…accidentally.

But this MF-ing S.O.B. broke down me and my kind’s love of the artificially sweetened phosphate drink perfectly. He described regular soda drinkers (“pop” for you Midwesterners) as people who like to drink soda. Sure there are a lot of people who drink too much Coke (occasionally, they drink a Sprite or Crush), but there are also many casual Coca-Cola drinkers. Maybe a ratio of 70-30 habitual to casual drinkers. Can we all agree on that? I have friends who drink exclusively soda, but then I have friends who “treat” themselves to one 12oz. can o’ Coke a week.

But then the fella went on. Diet Coke drinkers are more hardcore. Sure they may not drink Diet Coke all the time, sometimes they have water. But as a group, 100% of them are regular drinkers. Be warned, watch out! When the craving hits, nothing else can satisfy the hunger! First, your tongue goes dry. Then the whole esophagus is like the Atacama Desert (for those of you who don’t want to Wiki that, its the driest desert in the world). Soon a tiny headache begins two inches above your temple. Before you know it, your eyes glaze over and the bloodlust begins. Everything goes grey and all we can focus on is that silver, black, and red can. All who stand in our way are expendable. Diet Coke drinkers will go on a rampage from one vending machine to the next trying to score a hit! And God help the small business or vending machine that sells Diet Pepsi! YOUR MOTHER FUCKING ASS IS GETTING BURNT TO THE GROUND!!! COCA-COLA may have HAD cocaine in it, but LACK of Diet Coke produces PCP!!!

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It couldn’t be said in fewer words

I still drink Diet Coke, because I’m trying to avoid the sugar. Since then, I think everyone but other Diet drinkers, are quietly judging me…or perhaps…fearing me. Fearing the fountain machine will run out of Diet Coke syrup. Fearing that the  Diet Coke beast within me wont be held at bay until they finish up their meal. Until they leave, their lives are at the will of the beast.

For now, they will live to see their children. For now, they will see another dawn. For now, they are safe.

The beast is at rest…because I bought a 24 pack at Ralphs (it was on sale).

Hump Day Double-Post!

9 Jan

Today is Hump Day (known by many as simply “Wednesday”).  Today your beloved writers talk about their fondness (::cough cough:: addiction) to caffeine…

C’mon, you know you want a taste…