Vaginatarian

**There are really no SFW images for this post…so y’all get lots of words!

 

It was Christmas weekend.  That fact actually adds nothing to my story except for maybe an explanation of the “good will towards man” feeling I had—not exactly holiday spirit, but I was looking forward to spending time with my surrogate family for an early Christmas celebration.  As I sat in my car at the intersection of Hollywood and Highland, waiting for the light to change, I saw a bumper sticker that has bothered me since… “Vaginatarian“… White serif letters on a light blue/teal background, the sticker was the only one affixed to the back left bumper of a truck monstrosity.  I say monstrosity because it wasn’t one of those “I legitimately need to haul shit” trucks, but some sort of hideously designed gas-guzzler that adds nothing to the world except for lameness.

My immediate reaction was thinking that I must have read the word wrong.  Maybe “Vegetarian”?  My second reaction, upon rereading, was that at least it was unique and not a play on the word “pussy” or “beaver” or something—I wasn’t sure yet if it was funny or offensive.  As I stared at the sticker, a mild harumph came across my face.  I was determined to look at the driver as I drove past—assess based on stereotypical first impressions of whoever would have that sticker.  “Please be a lesbian.  Please be a lesbian.  Please be a lesbian,” I said to myself as I began to roll past the driver.  Nope, just a regular ol’ bro dude driver.  There was a woman in the passenger seat, maybe children in the back, I couldn’t see.  As assumptions based on stereotypes go, I’d imagine that this car belonged to the dude driver, and that that man was a straight dude, not a lesbian, as I had hoped.

Why had I hoped for a lesbian driver?  Somehow a lesbian putting up a “Vaginatarian” bumper sticker would seem like a fuck you to homophobes and conservatives.  A crude joke, nonetheless, but at least not another in a long line of jokes about men’s virility.  It would’ve been more like a rainbow flag or something to let people know, “Hey, I’m super gay and I don’t care who knows it”.  I knew a girl who had the word “dyke” tattooed on her arm—I always felt like the tattoo was a way to sort of shock everyone into not being shocked by it.  You sort of examine why the word seeing the word displayed proudly is unusual to you and realize it shouldn’t be because, whatever the label, people are people.

So why the harumph?  Well, I’m tired of misogyny in the “women as things to be consumed” category.  Women aren’t like food to be eaten.  They are not inanimate objects to be eaten up by men or anyone else (even another woman).  I mean, the guy didn’t have a sticker that said “I Heart Cunnilingus”, it was about him EATING vaginas, exclusively.  Which by comparison kinda means that “Penisaterians” (“Cockatarians”? “Dickatarians”?) are the dreaded “other”.  So does that mean straight women aren’t as good as straight male vaginatarians?  What about gay men?  And lesbians?  Does he purport to eat their vaginas, too?  Can they join his club too since they eat vaginas?  And was this the only sticker on his car because it’s the most important club he can belong to?!

I know I sound like one of them hairy-legged feminists that hates men and has no sense of humor, but I really just have a sense of humor that’s evolved past college bro dude level.

All in favor of an “I Heart Cunnilingus” bumper sticker say “Aye”…